Dont You Know You Will Find Me

March 11, 2022 Post a Comment

Beloved songs are where nosotros get our passion, our soul — and almost of our worst ideas.

Nothing practiced can come of this. Photo by Achim Voss/Flickr.

Throughout human history, oceans have been crossed, mountains have been scaled, and bang-up families have blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a center and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other mitt, that time you told that girl y'all just started seeing that you would "catch a grenade" for her? You did that considering of a love song. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and move back to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."

"It's just, my mom. Y'all know? And L.A. is so hot in the summertime. And yeah, my mom." Photo via iStock.

That fourth dimension you held that smash box over your head outside your ex's house? You did that because of a honey song. And 50 hours of community service later, you're still not back together.

Love songs are great. They make our hearts shell faster. They inspire us to have risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give us terrible, terrible ideas about how actual, real-life human relationships should piece of work.

They're amazing. So astonishing. And likewise terrible.

Hither are six love songs that sound romantic but aren't, and ane song that doesn't audio romantic but totally is:

1. "God But Knows," by The Beach Boys

Y'all can keep your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."

When it comes to The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows" is where it's at. A lush garden of soft horns and informal melody. A tie-dye swirl of audio. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Here'due south why it sounds romantic:

I may not ever beloved yous

Merely long every bit in that location are stars above you lot

Y'all never need to dubiety it

I'll make you and then certain nigh information technology

God only knows what I'd be without you

If yous're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and not playing "God But Knows" on your iPod, you should really stop and showtime over.

If you lot're lazily bumping a beach ball over a volleyball internet and "God Just Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the dorsum of your mind, you demand to rethink the choices that got yous to this point.

If you lot're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're non underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," you lot are doing information technology wrong.

Hippies, likely on their mode to a mud frolic. Photo by Colin Davey/Getty Images.

It's a song that just feels similar love. Pure beloved. Young honey. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could be wrong with that?

Here's why information technology'southward actually really, actually unromantic:

There's nothing wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-superlative notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they fall comatose while y'all whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his business firm, smoking a cigarette..." Photo by hatchettebookgroup.biz.

Only there is such a thing as loving someone a skosh too much.

If you should ever leave me

Though life would still go on believe me

The world could bear witness nothing to me

Then what good would living do me?

Look, I get information technology. Breakups suck. There's no getting around that. But good God.

There's a huge difference betwixt saying: "Hey babe, yous are my first and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if y'all get." And saying: "Welp, you lot accepted that job in Seattle, so I'm merely gonna chug a agglomeration of nightshade and call it a life."

But that's pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...

God only knows what I'd be without you

...horror-movie creepy. Considering the answer, patently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"

Ah well. Nosotros had a good run. Photo via iStock.

That's not honey. That'south codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It'due south a class of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in any human relationship — one that, past definition, might ane day terminate — is putting a lot of eggs in one basket. Sure, God may but know what you'd exist without her, just God probably also hopes y'all have, I don't know, some hobbies. Accept a yoga grade. Google some woodworking videos. Endeavour kite surfing.

"Yes! Hell yeah! What was her name again?" Photograph by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.

Ane person cannot be anyone'due south be-all and end-all. Information technology's too stressful. And it prevents you from doing you, which is a matter that's gotta be done before you can practice anything else.

No wonder she took that job in Seattle.

2. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars

Sure, it's a breathy rip off of every Michael Jackson song you've always heard. But, we don't accept Michael Jackson anymore, and equally tribute acts go, you could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Await at that face. That face! Photo by Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here's why the vocal sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what y'all are

Honey, you're my golden star

You know you tin can make my wish come true

If yous allow me treasure you lot

If y'all allow me treasure you lot

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-grade make-out party and you'll likely become an instant cost pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Laissez passer them to your spouse and, chances are, date dark is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-nonetheless-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they will recall you're weird — but probably still make out with you.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime laissez passer to brand out with America because of this vocal.

This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and you're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photo by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'grand OK with that.

Simply, here's why "Treasure" isn't as romantic every bit information technology seems:

Everything virtually "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes about gender.

"Children, take I always told y'all what I shouted at your mother on the street the outset time we met?" Photograph by Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things start to go due south right from the very get-go:

Give me your, requite me your, give me your attending, baby

I gotta tell you a little something about yourself

Ah yes. Nothing screams "respect" quite like a homo lecturing a strange woman on the street almost something she "doesn't know virtually herself."

What could information technology be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she's got something in her teeth? Could it be that her nonfiction book about early on modern German language history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Thank you for education me all about Martin Luther'south bible!" Photo by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.

Spoiler Alert: It's none of those.

You lot're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you lot're a sexy lady

Simply you walk around here like you wanna be someone else

Oh. It's that she'due south sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Give-and-take of advice? Regardless of how she'south walking, the lady knows she'southward sexy. Even if she doesn't, it really doesn't bear upon her day-to-day and then much that you, a consummate stranger, need to shout information technology at her (fifty-fifty over a funky disco snare).

Then what if she does want to be someone else? I'd love to exist someone else! I recollect being Ryan Gosling would be quite prissy. A good way to spend a three-day weekend.

Sure, there'd be an aligning period... Photo by Eamonn 1000. McCormack/Getty Images.

Then later, of class, the narrator can't help himself:

Pretty daughter, pretty girl, pretty girl, you lot should exist smiling

A girl similar you should never wait so blue.

He respects her and so much, he's actually straight-upwards telling her to grin! Much like Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to "hit [their] hallelujah." Which, y'all know, I approximate everybody's got a thing.

Yep, in the globe of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange adult female and said woman being so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."

He and then proceeds to talk to his potential lover similar the earth'southward creepiest pirate:

You are my treasure, y'all are my treasure

You are my treasure, aye, you, you, you, you are

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, aye, you, yous, y'all, you are

By this point, in his mind, she's a literal thing. An object. Which is fitting.

I suppose it could be worse, though. At least she's not simply any thing.

GIF from "The Ii Towers."

That'southward ... something, right?

3. "Don't Think Twice, It's All Correct," by Bob Dylan

For as long as humans take been dating each other, humans take been breaking upward with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is proficient at writing songs that a lot of people similar. Photo by William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Here'southward why it sounds romantic:

Well, it ain't no apply to sit and wonder why, baby

Even y'all don't know by now

And it ain't no use to sit down and wonder why, babe

Information technology'll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the intermission of dawn

Look out your window, and I'll be gone

You're the reason I'm a-traveling on

But don't call up twice, it's all correct.

Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation similar whoa.

"Don't Recollect Twice" is a raw vocal. An honest song. A powerful vocal. Information technology's the song your older sister played on continuous loop for half dozen months after her boyfriend left for college. The vocal that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to exit her banking company-teller job, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open a current of air chime store in Mendocino. The song your friend'due south cool dad always wants to play when he invited your loftier school band over to his apartment to jam.

"What timbre are y'all looking for?" Photo by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Sure, it's about the end of a relationship, but information technology sounds romantic. And at the end of the day, shouldn't that exist enough?

Here's why it'south actually sooooo messed up:

Relationships stop. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no right fashion to phone call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties tin certainly do good from a difficult, honest discussion well-nigh what went wrong.

Information technology's not me, Joan. It's you lot. 100% y'all. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Think Twice," that discussion basically boils down to: "It's your fault."

Let's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Think Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my heart, just she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? You're all like, "Babe, I but have so much unspecified dearest to give," and she's similar, "Have out the trash!" And you lot're like, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart be enough?" And she's like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I need you to do is take out the trash." And you're like, "You lot're bumming me out. I'k gonna go play guitar." And then she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to change yous? UGH!

You could take done better, only I don't listen

Yes. You do heed! You heed! You wrote a song virtually information technology, you passive-aggressive prick.

You just kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yep. Your time is so precious! Call up about all the hours you wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when yous could have been futzing around with that home-brew kit.

Yep, this was worth it. Photograph by Bill Bradford/Flickr.

The minute yous commencement breaking it down, the bulletin of "Don't Think Twice" suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sis's ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and at present might exist in jail. Similar your aunt'south current of air chinkle shop, which would have airtight forever ago had she non received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend'south cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying kid support.

"You kids want a beer? No 1'south under thirteen, right?" Photo via iStock.

Oh yep, and the song'south narrator also point-blank refers woman he's leaving as:

A kid, I'm told

That's right. In addition to existence a run-of-the-mill passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he's also possibly a pedophile.

Even if nosotros are to have that this is a metaphor and she's non actually a child — which there'southward no indication it is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly cull an immature partner reflects style more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a savage, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the point.

4. "Leaving on a Jet Airplane," by John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hr?

This guy. Photo by Hughes Television receiver Network/Wikimedia Commons.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Airplane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were still kind of new at the time it was written.

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane

To a modern ear, this would be sort of like singing, "I'm a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," just in a manner that's somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-twelvemonth-olds at summertime camp. Non easy to do!

Oh babe, I detest to go

You see — he hates to become! He just hates it! We know this, because he tells us he hates it. And why would he hate to go if he didn't dearest his partner merely that much?

See ya! Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Commons.

Why indeed?

Here's why it'south actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the globe can only distract and so much from the fact that the song'south primary graphic symbol is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't really seem like he hates being away all that much:

There's and so many times I've let you downwardly

And so many times I've played around

I tell yous at present, they don't mean a thing

"Infant, I hope! All the movies I watched alone while you lot were dwelling house nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Actually fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. But rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"As empty as this bed I simply finished having sex activity with someone else in." Photograph via iStock.

Yes, when yous suspension it down, "Leaving on a Jet Plane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming altitude and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "practiced" despite all prove to the contrary.

And for all he claims to be broken up virtually having to part from his 1 and just, the dude seems pretty excited about the flying. Oh, yous're leaving on a jet plane, are you? Are you Zone one? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter nigh the "terrible" Cibo express salad yous were forced to choke down every bit you sabbatum waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

"Life and so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photo by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.

He continues:

Ev'ry identify I get, I'll call up of you lot

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for yous

Ah cool. He'll recall well-nigh her while strumming and making "my honey is delicate as the morning dew" eyes at a waif-y grad educatee in the front end row. That pretty much makes up for information technology all.

Then he demands:

So kiss me and grin for me

Tell me that y'all'll look for me

After all the betrayal and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to exist a class-A sleaze who tin't be trusted, he still has the gall to tell her to wait? To wait for him?

And here'due south the kicker:

When I come dorsum, I'll bring your wedding ceremony band

Ah yes. He'll put a ring on it. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photograph via iStock.

Dissimilar all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, drained the family unit bank account, and just been a general screwup and disappointment.

Only yep. This time he says he'll bring back a nuptials ring.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks dorsum.

5. "When a Man Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge

When yous look upwards "soul" in the dictionary, the book plays you a recording of this song.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Cistron Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays you the very first line.

Hither'southward why it sound very romantic:

When a homo loves a woman

Certain, you tin write the lyrics down, just it doesn't fifty-fifty come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, succulent pain-belting:

WHEN A Human being LOVES A WOMAN

Closer ... but however no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yeah! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

It'southward an elemental lyric.

It'due south a heart-shattering lyric.

It's a lyric that demands you put your back into it.

It'due south perfection.

Every bit long as you don't proceed listening.

Here's why the vocal is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Human Loves a Woman," we know that, at to the lowest degree on occasion, a human being loves a adult female.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?

He'd give upward all his comforts

And sleep out in the rain

If she said that'due south the way

It ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Support. A man, no matter how devoted, no matter how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a homo will die of exposure and hypothermia.

Turn his dorsum on his best friend if he put her down.

No! Jeez. No. A homo tin can't put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A man needs friends! In one case a man's whole support system erodes out from under him, a man volition exist biting, ungrounded, and alone. And a human'south mental health will deteriorate.

I gave you everything I have

Tryin' to agree on to your heartless love

Baby, please don't care for me bad.

This is not what happens "when a man loves a woman." Information technology's what happens when a human loves a controlling, manipulative woman. An abusive adult female. A adult female who, in truth, but loves a woman. Herself.

"It'due south Chris or me." Photograph by geralt/Pixabay.

And that's not good for you.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're here for you.

(Side note: Lest it go unsaid, in that location is way more 1 way for a homo to love a adult female. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Maybe they sleep in split bedrooms. Perchance they dress up in large, plush true cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a human loves a human being, I imagine it feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living state of affairs, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there'south no one-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There's more than one way to skin a true cat. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine get down.

It doesn't thing if it'south the right metaphor, every bit long as information technology'south a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek aid! You can exercise this! And if y'all ever find yourself in a similar situation, please give these people a call.

6. "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You," Heart

Honestly, Heart could sing a listing of the well-nigh pop AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie'south Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/Globe'due south Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would make me want to bawl my eyes out in the arms of a tall, dark stranger at the terminate of a pier.

This song is perfect. You should always exist listening to it. If you're not listening to it now, smack yourself in the face and Google it. It's simply that important.

I am singing the phone book. Y'all are weeping like a tiny babe. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

So much passion. So much pain. So much hair.

Here'southward why it sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring tune, Middle sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a key tribute to the one truthful romantic fantasy shared by every living being on Earth: picking up an unnervingly attractive man for one night of heed-blowing sexual activity and and then releasing him back into the wild to os — simply never quite equally compellingly ever again.

They sing:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight

Continuing by the route, no umbrella, no glaze

And so I pulled up aslope and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while

I don't have to go on considering you know what happens side by side, and it's crawly.

"I simply sit down in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photo by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

Now, here's why this vocal is not romantic at all:

The relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems as well good to be true. And it is. Considering it's non an equally loving ,or fifty-fifty every bit brawny, pairing at all.

It's a...

Well. You know what it is:

Skillful at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are humming forth merely fine, similar any wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:

I didn't ask him his proper name, this lonely male child in the rain

Fate, tell me it's right, is this love at first sight?

Certain, many of us might hesitate to pick up a strange leather-jacket-clad human continuing on the side of the road for a no-strings-fastened screw, but our narrator simply has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, yous gotta go with your gut.

I tin respect that.

We made magic that night

He did everything right

Great! Seems like information technology was a good determination. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off large fourth dimension.

But and so, without warning, the song starts to sound less like an all-fourth dimension keen romance and more like a story men'south rights activists tell each other as they vape around a campfire:

I told him "I am the flower, you are the seed

We walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don't try to find me, please don't you cartel

Just live in my memory, you'll always exist at that place"

I'm non a poet. Symbolic language oft eludes me. But unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," suddenly hateful wildly different things in the context of homo reproduction than they have since sex was first invented in the early-1970s, nosotros're talking nearly a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

Hi! Photo by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of class, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might be tempted to call up, "Mayhap Heart meant something else by that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

So it happened ane day

We came circular the aforementioned mode

You can imagine his surprise

When he saw his own optics

There are 2 possibilities here.

One: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York Metropolis subway advert from nine years ago:

Photo by eyedonation.org.

Or ii: She totally conned a dude into whipping upwards a baby on the sly.

I said, "Delight, delight understand

Ah, sure. Yeah. No worries.

I'm in love with some other human being

Cool, and then this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked not ane but two lives.

And what he couldn't requite me, oh, no

Was the 1 little affair that you can"

A HUMAN LIFE! A Real SENTIENT Man LIFE THAT IS Non INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The all-time you lot can say about that is that it'south not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket human probably should have been responsible for his own birth control. Or, at the very to the lowest degree, asked more questions .

But ... it'southward not cute. Information technology's not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves agree).

And at the end of the day, the shadiest graphic symbol in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.

Which... is proverb something.

Simply in that location is a love song that is truly, madly, deeply perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.

A vocal that does everything correct.

A song that paints a portrait of a salubrious partnership built to concluding.

A song that can double every bit a manual for the ideal human being romantic human relationship.

And that vocal is...

"Candy Shop," past fifty Cent, featuring Olivia

Hither's why you might exist — OK, nigh definitely are — skeptical:

fifty Cent (L) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photo past Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

Equally tricky as "Candy Shop" is, as fun it is to dance to, and as cathartic every bit it can be to scream in the eye of a crowded fraternity house at ii a.m., in that location'southward no getting around the fact that the song begins like this:

I'll take yous to the processed shop

I'll permit y'all lick the lollipop

I'll post that once more, in example you missed some of the nuance:

I'll have you to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

Way to take i for the team, narrator of "Candy Shop"!

At first glance, "Candy Shop" is nobody's thought of a classic love song.

The lyrics are ... unusually forward. The beat is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't get played much anymore. When it does resurface, information technology feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.

It's not a song yous'd put on a mixtape for your crush. It's not a song you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at domicile with the babysitter and you've got nine hours to tear up the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It'due south certainly not a song you'd include on the video photo montage you made for your grandparents' silver anniversary.

Information technology'south just not.

But it should be.

So hither information technology is. Here'due south why "Processed Shop" by l Cent, featuring Olivia, is really the perfect relationship song:

Y'all wanna dorsum that matter upward or should I push up on it? Photograph by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. It'due south just been xx seconds, and you're already getting prepare to hang information technology upward with "Candy Shop."

But then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the course of a female person vocalization joining the track, cutting through the din like a clarion call.

She sings:

I'll have yous to the candy store (yeah)

Male child, 1 gustatory modality of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll take you spendin' all y'all got (come on)

Keep going 'til you striking the spot, whoa

Information technology'due south mutual! It's common! They're performing oral sex on each other!

Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photo by liz west/Flickr.

50 Cent himself may not be the earth'due south greatest partner — for example, according to one of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Candy Shop"? He gets it:

You could have it your way, how do you want it?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he'south with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'm going to invest my entire sense of cocky-worth in y'all!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'k going to care for you like a breast full of gold doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You," ("I'thousand going to trick you into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Store" guy really asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the earth of popular music, is good for about 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to do information technology? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?

It'due south whatever you lot're into

'Cause consent is sexy!

I ain't finished education you 'bout how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... assertive almost his desires.

Just here's the key affair: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She'south clearly into it. And we know this because she says and so.

The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are bright ruby-red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky club floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo past Grim23/Wikimedia Eatables.

Girl what we do ...

And where nosotros do ...

The things we do ...

Are only between me and you lot

No affair how nasty they freak, it will exist intimate. It will exist private. In that location volition be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely exist a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho

Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of any human relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very perhaps in the case of "Candy Shop") minutes long.

She may have a high sexual practice drive, simply dude is graciously offer to adapt her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids just might get the distance after all.

And at the terminate of the twenty-four hours, what is a relationship but 2 nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Thanks, Obamacare! Photo past Wonderlane/Flickr.

It's like it's a race who could go undressed quicker

Again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an as great fourth dimension.

I touch the right spot at the right time

Of course, it wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop hit without a spot of random humbug, but if we're to take him at his word, "Candy Shop" guy is at to the lowest degree as adept at "doing everything right" as the bearding hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You" — except without all the creepy surprise infant nonsense.

The "Candy Shop" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering dearest god. He's a proficient partner.

"Candy Store" is raunchy. It's dirty. Information technology'due south not your grandmother's dearest vocal.

But when you strip away the swagger, the back beat out, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Heart Eastern Music 1993," by the cease of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the cease of the twenty-four hour period, isn't that what a good for you relationship is all about?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.